stuff.

So anyway, an update. I'm doing much better thanks. I have an anxiety hangover: some physical and mental scars from my recent anxiety that will take some time to heal.

As part of the recovery process I've self-analysing. What is it about me that makes me anxious? I'm a firm believer that mental health comes from behaviour, and that if I can re-train my behaviour I'll get better and it'll never come back.

So it's time for some home truths. Some of this actually hurts me to type but it's got to come out somewhere and there's no-one else I can tell it to. So here you go world.

1) I'm crap at telling people what I want.
I spend my entire life trying not to piss other people off. I hide from conflict. I seek peace. I seek acceptance and love and reward and as a result am happy to do whatever's asked, all of the time, even when I don't want to. Hell, if I don't want to, I don't want to, right? Why can't I just say so? I've lost count of the amount of times I'm out with my lady and I want to go home but she doesn't so I just stick it out. My parents (we'll come on to these in a bit) - they ask, I jump. I feel guilty for saying no to them. Of course I'll come for dinner now. Of course I'll drop anything for you, right now. Yes, I'm fine, I don't need support and everything's great. I'm happy. Really. I've lost count of the amount of times I've not told my boss to suck it because I'm too busy....I just take it back and do what I'm told. I just did it, just then. And NOT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. SOMETIMES YOU'RE A CUNT.

NOT ANY MORE.

2) My parents.

Do you know what? I love you both, but you both piss me off.

Dad, you fucked off when I was a kid. And yes, it did fucking change things, even if I tell you I don't care. I care about how you feel. I'm more than happy to keep up the pretense that everything's fine but feel free to call me for no reason. Y'know, just to say hi. And don't get offended when I don't want to/can't do what you want me to. I'm sorry, sometimes I'm too busy to play golf/go for a beer. If you want to invite us round, give us some fucking notice and don't take it personally if we can't make it. I don't need the pressure of keeping you guilt-free for pissing off when I fucking needed you. I don't need to be made to feel like I have some fucking responsibility for your sanity. I know you feel guilty, and do you know what? That's YOUR fucking guilt to deal with, not mine. Don't fucking pass it off to me. You don't need to feel guilty any more, it was a long time ago. But let's be honest: you didn't deal with it, and nor did I. Let me deal with my bit, you deal with yours.

Mum, I love you and respect you. I can't remember it at all, but I was there when you had cancer and I always will be. Your cancer affected me badly. That's not your fault but I've told you now. I don't call you enough, but mum we haven't got anything in common. I'm truly sorry about that. You have your church and your beliefs and I have mine. They don't match up well mum, they just don't. Let me live, stop making me hide things from you. I am me. In the words of Richard Ashcroft: I'm stood here smiling; I feel no disgrace with who I am.

NOT ANY MORE

3) My friends

Guys, someone needs to tell you this, so listen up.

STOP FUCKING COMPETING. ALL OF YOU. IT'S NOT A FUCKING RACE.

In the whole time I've known my friends, not one of them, not a single fucking soul has taken the time to ask me stuff. To find out who I am. i have no venting board. I'm sat here typing, for the first time in a long time, typing furiously, getting it all out it's mp;ouring out let go let go let go, lgo let go come on faster fasdter fsat fast fsat fsat fast aasaaarararghgbhdfhhsd

*phew* I could proof-read that but it was beautiful.

Back on topic. Please, someone just take some time to get to know me. Am I that scary? Are we too different? Not being harsh guys, but all you talk about is possessions, hair, how fat you are. I'm bored of the lot of you. I don't need to be bored, just take some time to know me. Please, for the love of god.

I can't remember a single friend I've ever had - or in fact a single person - who's ever truly known me. And boy do I want someone to get to know me. Just me. Take me for what I am and give a fucking shit. I love you all dearly, but I bet I know a lot more about you guys than you know about me. I bet none of you could even tell me the name of the company I work for. I can do it for people I don't even see very often.

Maybe all this is my fault?

NONONONONONONONONONONONONOJMNONONFOFNIOFGNSRJG rj

Rage....

4) Babes

Babes, nothing I'm about to say means that I don't love you. Believe me, without you I don't know how I would get out of bed. I really don't know why I'd bother. You are my life, my death, my thoughts, my everything. Please don't forget that.

But sometimes I want to talk to you. Just you. I want to lay it all out without you dismissing how I'm feeling. I've done my level best to support you in times of crisis. I listen, I take time out, I advise. I can only help so far, most of it has got to come from within. You are beautiful, you are intelligent, the world's your oyster. You can go as far as you dare to believe you can. But it has to come from you now. I'm too tired to live your life for you and I need some support myself. Please.

I don't think any of the above will ever find this post. Perhaps my little brother will and that's fine. He's the sanest person I've ever met and I hope if he reads this I hope he learns not to let yourself be pushed around, not to hold back from who and what you are not to lie down and be meek but to turn to the world, stick two fingers up at the bastards who drag you down and tell them all to fuck themselves. Do it for you little guy, do it for you. Don't deviate from the path of doing what makes you happy. If a happy you makes other people happy then brilliant but a pretend happy you will only ever get unhappier despite what's around you. Don't end up having to lay down all your fucking vented anger, hurt and upset at a blog that no fucker will ever read and which won't solve any of your problems. Never let anyone think you have the perfect life when the truth is you're bottling up and hiding away all your problems and then letting them attack you when you need to be at your strongest. And little guy, don't try and be me. Because the truth is I'm one big bad fucking mess right now.

A cure for Anxiety

I think I've figured it out.

After four long years of continual worry and panic, I'm starting to understand.

Anxiety is a terrible thing, because it's normally physical things that make you worried. Something feels wrong physically - a sensation, or a pain, or something different is going on in your body somewhere. Normally, there's no obvious reason for this sudden change or physical sensation. This triggers off full-blown anxiety, which results in significant mental and physical tension. When I say physical tension, I mean muscle tension, which of course results in a whole raft of new physical sensations and pains. You're in a circle.

These physical sensations are unexplainable. So you Google. And Google is a truly shit doctor. He has no bedside manner, is incapable of giving you information in a manner which is compassionate. Normally, you have a brain tumour or MS or cancer or something else terminal and you're going to die. And it's going to hurt really bad. Cue more tension and different symptoms. Cue misery and depression.

Acceptance that it could in fact be muscle tension is always impossible to achieve. "I'm not even tense" is a common reply. Yes, my friend, you are. That's why you're constantly worried. "I'm not stressed". Yes, you are. Think about it for a bit, you know you are.

I've discovered that key to beating this terrible state of mind is to accept the way you feel physically, know that it can't hurt you and know that your body won't let you down. However much it screams at you that it will. Accept it and carry on. Do the stuff you always do, and enjoy doing it. And guess what - eventually you'll forget.

Until next time ;-p

Is your back pain serious?

I think that Health websites should be banned. Honestly, they're a scourge on the face of the medical profession.

These websites make money through traffic. That traffic is advertised to. Those poor bastards who visit diagnoseme.com or whatever they're called probably think that these sites exist to give out free information.

Truth is the content's probably made up/re-hashed from other places, and Google Adwords delivers shed-loads of traffic to made up balltwang. I reckon that if you got rid of them, Health Anxiety would pretty much just go away.

Time to ban, me thinks!

How Google and the Media Ruined My Life

I was talking to my mum the other day mid-way through a phase of thinking of had diabetes (I say "a phase" for a reason). She thought I was crazy. I told her of my symptoms and she just looked at me and said how the hell do you know what the symptoms of diabetes are?

Google mum, Google.

How she laughed.

Anyway, now I know a lot more about Google from my professional life. Google is brilliant technology, but for us Health Anxious people it's very, very dangerous.

Google works by "reading" all websites in the world. It then ranks them - according to number of times a keyword is mentioned, number of hints and the number of other sites that link to them.

The problem for us Health freaks is that 99% of the population aren't interested in Googling a symptom. For instance, if most people are tired, they'll lie down and relax. They'll accept it. They won't go to Google and type in "fatigue". Why would they?

There is probably lots of information on "fatigue" on Google. In fact, I just checked. 29 million results. The first thing I noticed is that both Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and ME are mentioned quite high up. Why? Because, apart from Health Freaks, the only people interested in reading about fatigue are probably those suffering from ME or CFS.

I'm slowly learning to accept bodily sensations again. I have a stiff calf muscle in my left leg. I haven't Googled it yet, because it'll probably point to a stroke or MS, neither of which I have.

The media are also to blame. Today, I went to the BBC Health homepage, and here are some of the stories....

"Snoring linked to Heart Disease"
"Vitamin E linked to Lung Cancer"
"In depth: Heart Disease and Strokes"
"Cancer: The facts"

Back in my mum's day (no offence mum) this kind of information wasn't available without going to see a doctor. When you saw a doctor, you tended to believer what they said. Now, it almost doesn't matter what a doctor say, or even if you can be bothered going to the doctor, because Google can diagnose you for free.

Sterimar saved my life

I've discovered a cure for sinusitis. Really. It's called Sterimar, and it's a completely drug-free salt water nasal spray. I've tried everything - steroids, antibiotics, the whole works and the pain in my face has been unbearable.

This stuff is an absolute dream :-)