So, it's nearly two weeks since my relatively small panic attack, triggered by my eyes.
I know now that I'm Health Anxious. In fact, I know I was born a worrier and always will be a worrier.
I also know I have chronic sinusitis which affects my general feeling of good health.
I know that every time I stand up I worry I'm going to pass out. I know that I feel the same sensations as everyone else when they stand up and that I'm not going to pass out.
I know I'm hyper-aware of how I'm feeling all the time.
I know sometimes that I know that I'm just hyper-aware of sensations and can ignore them - "turn off" the anxiety if you like.
I know that sometimes, particularly after a long period of being free from anxiety that I forget that I'm Health Anxious and suddenly these sensations become new to me and I have to "re-learn" how I feel when I'm normal.
So this week I'm feeling a bit better. It might take a month before I've forgotten completely. This week I've been mildly anxious about:
- My heart (again). I took my pulse about 40 times yesterday before I realised that actually my resting heart beat is about 72. Which is completely normal.
- My tiredness. I've been literally fighting sleep off at about 10.30pm every night. Is this normal? Do I have diabetes (again)? Probably not, I'm just stressed out and knackered at work. I'm also knackered mid-afternoon, which is probably due to my sinuses.
- My eyes and mouth, which are still both a bit dry and weird. But much better than they were.
- A bit of spaciness last weekend, which really knocked me back hard. Probably tired, or my sinuses.
- Biking to work. After all, I've got heart disease, diabetes and I don't want to tire myself out any more....
*Sigh*.
But then I have moments of clarity, when I realise that life really could be a lot, lot worse.
Off to the football tomorrow and will have a few drinks over the weekend to celebrate getting through week 2 of my 4 week recovery.
Friday 29 February 2008
Friday 22 February 2008
My Coping Strategy
1) Go for a run or a bike ride. This is important. If I run or go for a ride and I'm not dead or feeling worse, I know it's anxiety
2) Go to www.anxietycentre.com or the "No More Panic" Health Anxiety Forum and chill out for a bit http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/archive/index.php?f-29.html
3) Remember that whilst I'm breathing I'm alive and therefore have the right to challenge myself.
4) SMILE!
2) Go to www.anxietycentre.com or the "No More Panic" Health Anxiety Forum and chill out for a bit http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/archive/index.php?f-29.html
3) Remember that whilst I'm breathing I'm alive and therefore have the right to challenge myself.
4) SMILE!
Finally figured out what's wrong with me
I've been Googling again. I just can't help it.
In this case, I think it's helped :o)
As fucking usual, a list of everything that I've been experiencing since my rash ocurred can be found on the Anxiety Centre website.
When I'm ill, I put myself under intense mental pressure.
I think basically what happened this week was that I - for some reason - got worried about my eyes. Dry & itchy eyes are of course a symptom of anxiety.
I'm not even going to bother going to the doctor's. All my life, I've always had anxiety attacks after a big change in my life. When I left Uni. When I quit smoking. When my dad left.
In this case, it seems that I got a bit ill, and went through a stressful weekend. I've been worrying extensively about my health, and it's fucked me up.
Right now, sat here I feel on top of the fucking world. Almost the minute I realised it was anxiety, I fet a hundred times better.
HI HONEY, I'M FUCKING BACK! I'M BACK! I'M BACK!
In this case, I think it's helped :o)
As fucking usual, a list of everything that I've been experiencing since my rash ocurred can be found on the Anxiety Centre website.
When I'm ill, I put myself under intense mental pressure.
I think basically what happened this week was that I - for some reason - got worried about my eyes. Dry & itchy eyes are of course a symptom of anxiety.
I'm not even going to bother going to the doctor's. All my life, I've always had anxiety attacks after a big change in my life. When I left Uni. When I quit smoking. When my dad left.
In this case, it seems that I got a bit ill, and went through a stressful weekend. I've been worrying extensively about my health, and it's fucked me up.
Right now, sat here I feel on top of the fucking world. Almost the minute I realised it was anxiety, I fet a hundred times better.
HI HONEY, I'M FUCKING BACK! I'M BACK! I'M BACK!
Terrible Night, Eyes, and a Coping Strategy
Last night was a terrible night. I had a huge panic attack, and a shocking night's sleep. I've been off work all week since the rash outbreak (which is almost gone now YAY!).
I was so anxious, and for such a pathetic reason. It was so pathetic I couldn't even tell my fiancee about it. I just had to pretend there was nothing wrong, even though there was. That freaked her out a bit, as she knew.
I broke a golden rule. I've been suffering from slightly sore eyes and a dry mouth the last two or three days, and whilst feeling a lot, lot better yesterday afternoon I Googled it. Google said I had Shoe-grins's Syndrome (this is deliberately the wrong spelling to stop anyone else from suffering like I did). Shoegrin's is incurable, but manageable. It affects some 2% of people around the world, and the core symptoms are dry mouth and dry eyes. 90% of sufferers are female (which I'm not), most have joint pains as well (which I don't), most are menopausal (which I'm not), and most have a histroy of weird gland swelling and general ill health (which I don't). The implausability of it is so strong it makes me feel ridiculous looking back on it. But I was convinced. I even made plans to split with my girl...after all, she wouldn't want to be with me if I was long-term sick with an autoimmune disease.
I was terrified of coming to work and not being able to cope. I love my job, my life and my girl and this seemed like the end. I swear, you can hurt me in any way, cut me however you like and I won't bleed, just don't touch my work, my life and my girl. That's all that matters to me. Without it, I'd be nothing.
Anyway, I'm at work and my eyes are a little sore but everything's working and I'm slowly calming down.
I have a new coping strategy. I hope this helps anyone else suffering from anxiety.
STEP ONE
- You're worried about a symptom. Work out exactly what the symptom is. And I mean EXACTLY. If something's hurting, jab it. Check for lumps. Feel free to panic whilst you do this.
Turn the computer off. DO NOT GOOGLE IT.
STEP TWO
- Do something else for thirty minutes. Does the symptom go away if you don't think about it?
STEP THREE
- Work out if this symptom could kill you in the next 24 hours. If it could, go to the Doctors.
STEP FOUR
- If it won't kill you, make a note of the date, and write the symptom down. Don't take anything for it. If the symptom hasn't gone away in 14 days, go and see the Doctor.
STEP FIVE
- Challenge yourself. Go for a run. Go for a long bike ride. Go to the shops. Do something active. If something is really wrong, you'll know about it soon enough.
Good luck.
I was so anxious, and for such a pathetic reason. It was so pathetic I couldn't even tell my fiancee about it. I just had to pretend there was nothing wrong, even though there was. That freaked her out a bit, as she knew.
I broke a golden rule. I've been suffering from slightly sore eyes and a dry mouth the last two or three days, and whilst feeling a lot, lot better yesterday afternoon I Googled it. Google said I had Shoe-grins's Syndrome (this is deliberately the wrong spelling to stop anyone else from suffering like I did). Shoegrin's is incurable, but manageable. It affects some 2% of people around the world, and the core symptoms are dry mouth and dry eyes. 90% of sufferers are female (which I'm not), most have joint pains as well (which I don't), most are menopausal (which I'm not), and most have a histroy of weird gland swelling and general ill health (which I don't). The implausability of it is so strong it makes me feel ridiculous looking back on it. But I was convinced. I even made plans to split with my girl...after all, she wouldn't want to be with me if I was long-term sick with an autoimmune disease.
I was terrified of coming to work and not being able to cope. I love my job, my life and my girl and this seemed like the end. I swear, you can hurt me in any way, cut me however you like and I won't bleed, just don't touch my work, my life and my girl. That's all that matters to me. Without it, I'd be nothing.
Anyway, I'm at work and my eyes are a little sore but everything's working and I'm slowly calming down.
I have a new coping strategy. I hope this helps anyone else suffering from anxiety.
STEP ONE
- You're worried about a symptom. Work out exactly what the symptom is. And I mean EXACTLY. If something's hurting, jab it. Check for lumps. Feel free to panic whilst you do this.
Turn the computer off. DO NOT GOOGLE IT.
STEP TWO
- Do something else for thirty minutes. Does the symptom go away if you don't think about it?
STEP THREE
- Work out if this symptom could kill you in the next 24 hours. If it could, go to the Doctors.
STEP FOUR
- If it won't kill you, make a note of the date, and write the symptom down. Don't take anything for it. If the symptom hasn't gone away in 14 days, go and see the Doctor.
STEP FIVE
- Challenge yourself. Go for a run. Go for a long bike ride. Go to the shops. Do something active. If something is really wrong, you'll know about it soon enough.
Good luck.
Tuesday 19 February 2008
Allergic to Penicillin....
So anyway, as promised, here's my update on what happened to me last week.
It seems that I'm allergic to penicillin. Or, at the very least, I'm sensitive to penicillin.
To be clear, this is not a lot of fun. I thought I'd write this in case, like I did, someone is looking for information on what to expect, but all they can find on-line is loads of information about what happens when you're a young child and you react to penicillin. For the record, I'm male, and I'm 25 (ouch).
I was taking amoxicillin for 6 days when the rash began. At first, it appeared only on my arms and a corner of my chest. Ironically, I finished the course of the drugs (amoxicillin, in my case) on day 6.
I woke up on day 7 and everything was covered in rash except for my hands, my face and one other rleatively important part of my anatomy (thank the lord). By day 8, the rash has spread to the hands. By day 9 (yesterday), my eyes were being affected. I currently horrible light sensitivity (looking at the screen at the moment is verging on the intolerable), and my eyes although burning, although not particularly red.
I have been to the doctors 3 times - on day 7, day 9 and day 10. They expect the rash to clear up in a week or so. The original reason I was taking amoxicillin (sinusitis) has been re-evaluated, and a steroid spray prescribed. My GP - who was excellent - said that anitbiotics are a complete waste of time with sinusitis (just so you know).
The rash itself was fucking itchy. And when I say itchy, I mean itchy. It was sodding horrible. Really bad. But it didn't blister, and it tended to spread overnight rather than during the day. It's signficnatly worse after a shower, and it's pinky/red. It fades when I touch it, then comes back. It is fading day by day, so in theory by day 13 things should get better.
Of course, knowing all this did wonders for my anxiety. But of course, that would be too easy. Yesterday, when the eye thing started up, I thought, of course, that I was going blind. Endless, endless, endless Googling made it worse. The nurse I saw this morning didn't seem to arsed about it. She said to bathe them using cooled boiled water and to keep the light balance comfortable and it'll pass. But I still suspect I'm either going blind, in the early stages of anaphalxis [sp] or getting Stevens Johnson Syndrome, which sounds exceptionally nasty, is very rare and which I only found out about because I was convinced I was going blind and I Googled it.
I need to learn to relax about these things. Writing this down has helped immensely. And having a few days off from work will probably also help :-)
It seems that I'm allergic to penicillin. Or, at the very least, I'm sensitive to penicillin.
To be clear, this is not a lot of fun. I thought I'd write this in case, like I did, someone is looking for information on what to expect, but all they can find on-line is loads of information about what happens when you're a young child and you react to penicillin. For the record, I'm male, and I'm 25 (ouch).
I was taking amoxicillin for 6 days when the rash began. At first, it appeared only on my arms and a corner of my chest. Ironically, I finished the course of the drugs (amoxicillin, in my case) on day 6.
I woke up on day 7 and everything was covered in rash except for my hands, my face and one other rleatively important part of my anatomy (thank the lord). By day 8, the rash has spread to the hands. By day 9 (yesterday), my eyes were being affected. I currently horrible light sensitivity (looking at the screen at the moment is verging on the intolerable), and my eyes although burning, although not particularly red.
I have been to the doctors 3 times - on day 7, day 9 and day 10. They expect the rash to clear up in a week or so. The original reason I was taking amoxicillin (sinusitis) has been re-evaluated, and a steroid spray prescribed. My GP - who was excellent - said that anitbiotics are a complete waste of time with sinusitis (just so you know).
The rash itself was fucking itchy. And when I say itchy, I mean itchy. It was sodding horrible. Really bad. But it didn't blister, and it tended to spread overnight rather than during the day. It's signficnatly worse after a shower, and it's pinky/red. It fades when I touch it, then comes back. It is fading day by day, so in theory by day 13 things should get better.
Of course, knowing all this did wonders for my anxiety. But of course, that would be too easy. Yesterday, when the eye thing started up, I thought, of course, that I was going blind. Endless, endless, endless Googling made it worse. The nurse I saw this morning didn't seem to arsed about it. She said to bathe them using cooled boiled water and to keep the light balance comfortable and it'll pass. But I still suspect I'm either going blind, in the early stages of anaphalxis [sp] or getting Stevens Johnson Syndrome, which sounds exceptionally nasty, is very rare and which I only found out about because I was convinced I was going blind and I Googled it.
I need to learn to relax about these things. Writing this down has helped immensely. And having a few days off from work will probably also help :-)
Friday 15 February 2008
Today, I contracted Meningitis
So today I contracted meningitis.
It wasn't a particularly fun experience. In fact, it was horrible. I was very, very lucky to survive.
Even though the whole experience took place only in my mind.
This blog is all about my anxiety. I live with anxiety. It sucks. My anxiety is largely centred around health issues - whilst I'm not necessarily scared of death, I don't want to die anytime soon. I'm writing it because it will help me. As such, I don't care if no-one else ever finds it. But if you do, and it helps, great. If you want someone to talk to, then leave me a comment and we can chat. I've been through this before, I've got better before and I'll got through this again. And I will win.
The problem with suffering from Health Anxiety (an irrational fear that some symptoms or minor ailment is, in fact, much worse) is that the anxiety itself gives you symptoms, most of which (heart palpitations, dizziness are the two worst for me) are consistent with the diagnosis of a life-threatening condition. Traditionally, the first thing I'll do is attempt to "make myself feel better" by Googling my symptoms. Which is always a bad move, as more often than not it merely confirms your own - terminal - self-diagnosis.
Meningitis was a new one on me, though. I've been suffering from a sinus infection for 6 weeks or so. It hasn't been a big deal, to be honest (which is a surprise as normally these things trigger my anxiety badly). I've been on antibiotics (which have just finished). They didn't work. This, I think, is fairly normal - I've been surfing and found plenty of stories. For some reason though, my anxiety has been building this week.
So when I woke to find a rash on my chest and my elbows, that was it. It's meningitis. I came to work anyway (on my bike, I must add, which I thought was brave as I was having a steaming anxiety attack the whole way...) and I Googled meningitis symptoms. Headache - yeah, check (sort of. Sinus ache is more accurate, and it's mild, if I'm being honest). Neck ache - yeah, but as above). Intolerance to light - well, actually only when I think about it really hard. Rash - yeah (in truth, it's *probably* a bit of eczema, or an allergic reaction to something or other. It itches. And yes, it does fade when I press it). Vomiting - no.
THANK FUCK! I don't feel sick! I haven't got meningitis! My stomach is fine!
So why do I have a rash? Will it get worse? Maybe it's the early stages of meningitis. Yes, that must be it. Or maybe the rash will speared to other parts of my body. Maybe, tomorrow, I'll end up just one big rash. Maybe it's cancer. Maybe it's connected with the sinus thing.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
If I could re-tune my head so that it no longer understands the concept of "maybe", all my problems would be gone. Even though all these "maybes" are highly unlikely outcomes (I even checked...0.0091% of people get meningitis - 1 in 10,879. So the odds are 10,879-1, i.e. highly fucking unlikely) Until then, I'll have a weekend of frenzied rash-watching and panic. Then I'll go to see my GP on Monday (because I should), unless I'm dead or in hospital by then.
I'll let you know how it goes.
It wasn't a particularly fun experience. In fact, it was horrible. I was very, very lucky to survive.
Even though the whole experience took place only in my mind.
This blog is all about my anxiety. I live with anxiety. It sucks. My anxiety is largely centred around health issues - whilst I'm not necessarily scared of death, I don't want to die anytime soon. I'm writing it because it will help me. As such, I don't care if no-one else ever finds it. But if you do, and it helps, great. If you want someone to talk to, then leave me a comment and we can chat. I've been through this before, I've got better before and I'll got through this again. And I will win.
The problem with suffering from Health Anxiety (an irrational fear that some symptoms or minor ailment is, in fact, much worse) is that the anxiety itself gives you symptoms, most of which (heart palpitations, dizziness are the two worst for me) are consistent with the diagnosis of a life-threatening condition. Traditionally, the first thing I'll do is attempt to "make myself feel better" by Googling my symptoms. Which is always a bad move, as more often than not it merely confirms your own - terminal - self-diagnosis.
Meningitis was a new one on me, though. I've been suffering from a sinus infection for 6 weeks or so. It hasn't been a big deal, to be honest (which is a surprise as normally these things trigger my anxiety badly). I've been on antibiotics (which have just finished). They didn't work. This, I think, is fairly normal - I've been surfing and found plenty of stories. For some reason though, my anxiety has been building this week.
So when I woke to find a rash on my chest and my elbows, that was it. It's meningitis. I came to work anyway (on my bike, I must add, which I thought was brave as I was having a steaming anxiety attack the whole way...) and I Googled meningitis symptoms. Headache - yeah, check (sort of. Sinus ache is more accurate, and it's mild, if I'm being honest). Neck ache - yeah, but as above). Intolerance to light - well, actually only when I think about it really hard. Rash - yeah (in truth, it's *probably* a bit of eczema, or an allergic reaction to something or other. It itches. And yes, it does fade when I press it). Vomiting - no.
THANK FUCK! I don't feel sick! I haven't got meningitis! My stomach is fine!
So why do I have a rash? Will it get worse? Maybe it's the early stages of meningitis. Yes, that must be it. Or maybe the rash will speared to other parts of my body. Maybe, tomorrow, I'll end up just one big rash. Maybe it's cancer. Maybe it's connected with the sinus thing.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
If I could re-tune my head so that it no longer understands the concept of "maybe", all my problems would be gone. Even though all these "maybes" are highly unlikely outcomes (I even checked...0.0091% of people get meningitis - 1 in 10,879. So the odds are 10,879-1, i.e. highly fucking unlikely) Until then, I'll have a weekend of frenzied rash-watching and panic. Then I'll go to see my GP on Monday (because I should), unless I'm dead or in hospital by then.
I'll let you know how it goes.
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