Today, I contracted Meningitis

So today I contracted meningitis.

It wasn't a particularly fun experience. In fact, it was horrible. I was very, very lucky to survive.

Even though the whole experience took place only in my mind.

This blog is all about my anxiety. I live with anxiety. It sucks. My anxiety is largely centred around health issues - whilst I'm not necessarily scared of death, I don't want to die anytime soon. I'm writing it because it will help me. As such, I don't care if no-one else ever finds it. But if you do, and it helps, great. If you want someone to talk to, then leave me a comment and we can chat. I've been through this before, I've got better before and I'll got through this again. And I will win.

The problem with suffering from Health Anxiety (an irrational fear that some symptoms or minor ailment is, in fact, much worse) is that the anxiety itself gives you symptoms, most of which (heart palpitations, dizziness are the two worst for me) are consistent with the diagnosis of a life-threatening condition. Traditionally, the first thing I'll do is attempt to "make myself feel better" by Googling my symptoms. Which is always a bad move, as more often than not it merely confirms your own - terminal - self-diagnosis.

Meningitis was a new one on me, though. I've been suffering from a sinus infection for 6 weeks or so. It hasn't been a big deal, to be honest (which is a surprise as normally these things trigger my anxiety badly). I've been on antibiotics (which have just finished). They didn't work. This, I think, is fairly normal - I've been surfing and found plenty of stories. For some reason though, my anxiety has been building this week.

So when I woke to find a rash on my chest and my elbows, that was it. It's meningitis. I came to work anyway (on my bike, I must add, which I thought was brave as I was having a steaming anxiety attack the whole way...) and I Googled meningitis symptoms. Headache - yeah, check (sort of. Sinus ache is more accurate, and it's mild, if I'm being honest). Neck ache - yeah, but as above). Intolerance to light - well, actually only when I think about it really hard. Rash - yeah (in truth, it's *probably* a bit of eczema, or an allergic reaction to something or other. It itches. And yes, it does fade when I press it). Vomiting - no.

THANK FUCK! I don't feel sick! I haven't got meningitis! My stomach is fine!

So why do I have a rash? Will it get worse? Maybe it's the early stages of meningitis. Yes, that must be it. Or maybe the rash will speared to other parts of my body. Maybe, tomorrow, I'll end up just one big rash. Maybe it's cancer. Maybe it's connected with the sinus thing.

Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.

If I could re-tune my head so that it no longer understands the concept of "maybe", all my problems would be gone. Even though all these "maybes" are highly unlikely outcomes (I even checked...0.0091% of people get meningitis - 1 in 10,879. So the odds are 10,879-1, i.e. highly fucking unlikely) Until then, I'll have a weekend of frenzied rash-watching and panic. Then I'll go to see my GP on Monday (because I should), unless I'm dead or in hospital by then.

I'll let you know how it goes.