Baring my soul

This period of anxiety has been greater than any period of anxiety I've ever experienced.

My headache has gone, vanished...kaput.

It's been replaced by a constant urge to wee. Honestly, I'm so tense in my bladder I can't get rid of the urge to piss. I went to the emergency docs on Saturday because I thought I was fucked. they said there was no infection, no trouble at all....maybe just the slightest trace of blood - but nothing to worry about. Needless to say I broke down in tears on this poor doctor working on a Saturday morning. Poor girl. She was very, very understanding and urged me to seek medical help for my anxiety. There, i said it. *Urged me to seek medical help*. Sigh. What's next? Anti-depressants? Therapy? I'm officially a crackpot.

Why is this a big deal? Well, this is how my thought processes work.

*SHIT. I need to piss every 5 minutes. SHIT. How am I going to work? How am I going to go out? SHIT. I'm going to lose everything. SHIT. How will my girl ever love me? SHIT....management meetings at work. How am I going to sit through a SIX HOUR meeting without looking like a cunt? I'm going to get fired. I'll lose the house. And the car I just bought. and my girl. Where will I end up. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I'M FUCKED.*

Deep down - actually that's a lie, it's not deep down at all, it's very close to the surface in fact - I *know* that all of this is ridiculous. I know that I'm panicking, and that I'm tensing the muscles up down there. i know that. I know that tense muscles are giving me pain, which I'm confusing for needing a wee. I know that part of the classic "fight of flight" response is needing a piss. I know that I'm stuck in some sort of viscious circle. I know there's fuck all wrong with my bladder, my doctor told me so. I know that I can fix this by simple distraction. I know I felt better earlier when i forgot about it and went a very normal 2 and half hours without going for a piss. I know that if I sat down with my boss and explained my issues, he'd understand. I know all that. I know that most normal people don't think about the timings of their bladder movements, and don't particularly care. I know I've been timing myself. I know this is CAUSING the problem. But once I'm off down this track, I can ONLY see the worst outcome.

The likely outcomes vanish.

So what causes all this?

Responsibility, I think.

I currently feel responsible for far too many things. I'm responsible for making enough money to pay the mortgage and the bills.

I'm responsible for arranging the holiday.

If, for whatever reason, I got ill, or went insane, it would affect a lot more than just me. Other people would be hurt. Badly. Other people's lives would be fucked.

Central to this is my ability to work and function normally at work. Take this ability away from me, and my life and the lives of others would be seriously affected.

So, how do I get over this? How do I change my head back to the confident person I used to be?

Maybe acceptance is part of it....